Lucky.

I remember the day she came home in a red basket. I was so happy I thought my heart would burst out. To this day, that was probably one of the best days of my life. I remember everything so distinctly. We had gotten a teal colored dog bowl that was Lucky’s first ever, dog bowl. We fed her mangoes and rice..we also fed her some milk. In that very moment looking at her eat I felt like my life was complete.

They say dogs know human nature, the most. Almost instantly, Lucky had decided who her favorite person would be. I still remember wanting to be her favorite but in an instant I saw the bond she shared with Bharati didi. I did not see it then but now I get it. Bharati didi has done so much for us, she is my favorite too…Lucky figured it out before I ever could. I now reflect back on that day and I just know you don’t choose a dog..the dog always chooses you. Lucky chose Bharati didi and us for that I will always be greatful.

Over the years I have seen Lucky’s bond with Bharati didi and it was nothing short of extraordinary. Lucky lived a happy 16 year life. She couldn’t have gone on more than that and she fought many battles in the last years of her life. I strongly believe she stayed as long as she did because of Bharati didi and her love towards her. I am not saying none of the other family members didn’t love her- We all did..We all do…We always will. The paw prints she has left on our hearts are so big and so deep it can only go away when we say our goodbyes to this world.

When I think of my childhood there is not a memory where Lucky isn’t in it. She would greet me with so much excitement when I came home from a long day at school. I feel sorry for people who have never owned a dog. They will never know how a dog can light up your dull day and make your otherwise boring life, so much fun. She has licked my tears away when I cried, she has given me the warmest cuddles. She has given me such unconditional love that I can never repay back. I know not many understand the pain of loosing a dog. I did not understand it before Lucky left us either.

I will try to explain it the best I can. For me it feels like the sun was shining bright. I was at the park. You know how there are days when you sit on the grass and the warm sun hits you and it feels so good that you fall asleep. That was my life. I was laying on the most green grass on the most Sunny day and suddenly it started raining. Its like its been raining ever since she left and I have tried to shield myself from the rain and this dark grey weather. It just doesn’t get any better. The sky keeps growling and the rain keeps pouring. This dark cloud that has surrounded my heart doesn’t seem to go away. I cry and cry thinking when I open my eyes again it will be better. I hope that I forget and that I can just move on. I have lived away from her for so long why should I be this upset is what I tell myself but nothing helps. This rain just won’t stop. The dark clouds are still in the sky and there is no sight of the sun.

This experience of loosing lucky taught me what Grief is. I cry because I have so much love to give to her but she isn’t here. This is my love for her that keeps oozing out of my eyes.

Lucky was my family when she left she took a part of all of us with her. I am glad I did not see her when she was taking her last breath. I could have never taken that image out of my mind. I take comfort in knowing she was surrounded by all her loved ones when she decided to say goodbye to us all.

I know she is up there somewhere. I know we will meet her again. She must be in the gates of heaven playing with her ball and chewing on her favorite bone. I know she is so much happier and at peace now. I am sure she left us because she knew we would be okay. She fulfilled her purpose. She showed us love and selflessness. She enriched our lives.

Until we meet again Lucky..keep being the good girl that you are!

We all love you beyond comprehesion.

Forever and always.

LOKI

It’s been a while now It’s been a while since I found my way it’s been a while since I left that day never to return

They don’t warn you, do they?

No one says how hard it’s going to be

If someone told me that 4/19/2016 my life would forever change

I’d probably say no way

But it did

You gave me Loki

We brought him home

He was our first step to the lifetime of promises I thought we’d make to each other.

As we were driving home I remember you looking at me and saying -“How will you leave me now ,Leaving me means leaving him too.”

I had laughed and said I’d never leave!

You can’t make me leave even if you wanted to.

Funny how life changes.

Funny how promises break.

We are all made of infinite memories.

You, I and Loki have infinite memories together.

Ripping off that band aid of memories hurts me because I was equally a part of it like you and Loki were.

You took away his adulthood from me but I have his childhood with me I have a heart full of love for him and I miss him Oh how I miss him.

I wonder what he thinks of me, I wonder if he thinks I abandoned him.

These are the moments which suck the most to me because I can’t talk to him.

I can’t tell Loki what’s up.

Loki will never know And it shouldn’t matter right?

He’s just a dog.

But that’s where people are incorrect He wasn’t just a dog for me.

He never could have been.

He was family.

He was a kid and it was as unfair to him, as it was to me.

Now I wonder who gives him the little massages that he used to get from me.

I wonder who he kicks now with his little hands to let them know it’s time to wake up.

I wonder who he play bites when he wants to go, for a walk.

I wonder who he passes out next to when he’s too tired after his dog park sessions.

I wonder who takes him on the little walks he so dearly loved.

Breaking up is a hard task, it always is.

It’s quite specially hard if you have to part with a little fur baby who has no idea what’s going on.

Its hard to realize that he’ll never get me see me again and nothing is his fault.

Though Loki was just a pup when I left I felt like he got me, he was my person, my kid.

I could meet him now and see what he’s doing but that would result to such agony.

It would be like putting a brand new band aid on the wound only to rip it off again And I can’t do that.

I’m proud of who I’m becoming.

I’m the strongest person I know I came a long way, I walked alone, I can’t stop and wait for someone to hold my hand while I reach my destination.

Everyday I’m learning to be my own hero.

Everyday I’m growing.

Doesn’t mean I don’t have my days

Doesn’t mean I don’t think of Loki

Everyday I do But part of growing up is letting go and I try to not get engulfed in the unfairness of it all I try not to think of how Loki and I will never meet now.

I try to not miss him but I’ve realized how it’s all okay I’ve realized how it’s okay to miss him ,it’s okay to love him.

It’s okay to crave to see his pretty little face one more time.

It’s okay because it just goes to show I love him and no amount of breakup

No amount of animosity between me and my ex now can taint my love for Loki.

Loki was and will forever be my little fur baby And I’ll love him a little more everyday for as long as I can.

And no ex boyfriend in the world can take that love away because love as such it’s eternal ,it’s fierce, it’s powerful and it’s unstoppable. It always was and forever will be.

Him

They say when an individual meets the other,the first thing they notice,is their eyes.I couldn’t agree more to it.The first thing I noticed about him too,was his eyes.I don’t think I had ever seen eyes as innocent as his,eyes as clear as his.Just merely looking at him,I felt like I knew him and if not anything I was filled with an urge to know him better.That is how Him and I, began.

I won’t get into the details of how we are in love and how I haven’t met anyone like him.By now that’s a given.

There will be one day when I might marry him be the mother to his kids or there might be one day where I might be somebody else’s.Whatever it might be like Rumi once said”. Beyond our ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’
doesn’t make sense any more.

Him and I,I know will exist in that field where we aren’t bounded by the norms of the society where we aren’t bounded by judgement.We will forever exsist there if not anywhere.

There he will forever be my bubu and I his cho cho!!

 

Everything and nothing at the same time

Today is one of those days when I am happy,not overly joyous but well happy,content.It got me thinking that I never talk about things that make me happy and I whine a lot.So today this letter will be different in some sorts.

Little things give me joy
Books for one. I think I always say this.However, I don’t think I have ever told anyone why they fill me with joy.
I won’t say that it takes me away and then I become
Someone else who isn’t me and stuff because that would be redundant.
I would say that it just eases me, fills me with something that’s much more than contentment.Something that I can’t describe,yet.
Someday maybe I will be able to describe it,better.

Littlest things that people do gives me joy.
A few kind words actually touch me.
The little bits of chocolate you get in an icecream when you are least expecting it,makes me happy.
I guess you could say, it doesn’t take much, to make me joyous.

Rain gives me joy
Something about looking out the pouring window and staring at the darkest clouds gives me peace,a sort of serenity. The sound of droplets when it hits the ground,it’s extraordinary.
I don’t think I ever told a living soul this but as a kid I used to dance. I would think of myself as a dance teacher and I would just dance and dance on the rooftop of my house during winter vacations.Sounds strange right?Me dancing in the winter apart of sleeping and all, but I did. It is one of the most beautiful memories of my childhood.

Writing this I am realizing that somewhere along the way In this process of growing up I changed.
I stopped seeing the beauty In things and switched to complaining.
When did the joyous kid that was high on life always changed,I don’t know.
But I guess that is what happenes to everyone,not
Just me ,but everyone.
As kids in nursery when someone would ask us who’s the strongest I bet everyone of us would have been me,me
Because back then we were pure, we thought of ourselves as the best.But if someone were to ask us the same question in grade 1 we would have named a certain someone because that’s what society does. It teaches us that not everyone is strong it makes us doubt ourselves and categorize ourselves as intelligent, dumb, pretty ugly.
And we no longer think of ourselves as the best.
You get the drift?

I am not saying I am a bad person now I am not saying I have degraded myself.
All I am trying to say really is how different life would be if we could go back to being little when we weren’t corrupted by the need to be something we are not
When we weren’t forced to mold ourselves to better adapt to our group of friends or to our society
How different would life be if we would not know the rights and the wrongs of the world and we could just be “us”
How Beautiful would life be if there was no completion
No comparison and we could just be happy
How different would things be if we could live in the moment and enjoy things like being licked by your dog, getting a surprise visit by your parents at the school.
How perfect would life be if we weren’t made to grow up and fight for our place in the society?
How extraordinary us humans would be there was nothing called money
If there was nothing as bad thoughts
And just like when little we could just be the purest and truest version of ourselves
I don’t think there is and there will ever be, anything as joyous as being a little kid who thought of himself and herself in the highest order.

With all my love
~A~x

Pray For Nepal

Mother nature is beautiful, she is the essence of all mankind. She completes us but having said that we know with all the good comes the bad, with light comes the  darkness and i guess that is how you really appreciate the beauty that surrounds one, that is how you distinguish the bad from the ugly. April25th,2015 might have been a pretty ordinary day for a lot of people.However for a person like me that day will forever be imbedded in my memory, that day i will never forget.A day embellished by destruction and chaos.An ordinary day changed by the hands of Nature.That is what April25th,2015 will be for me.Being miles and miles away from home is hard as is, but when you wake up in the middle of the night, to the news of a 7.5 richter scale earthquake, in the very place you call home, the word “heart-wrenching” gets an entirely new meaning.The monuments, the historical buildings,the everything that signified my home land Nepal, isn’t there anymore.How is that just a day ago things were sailing smoothly and all was well and just a day after nothing is,how is that just a minute ago my country was smiling and why is that just a minute after all she can do is cry? Why is life so unpredictable and why is that at times like these I don’t really know whether to bask in the beauty of the great unknown or be terrified of the uncertainty.My heart bleeds for those who fell prey to this massive destruction.All my thoughts and prayers go out to my people.May the Gods be with you.Jay Pashupatinath!

Familial Ties and The Decision.

A spine-chilling breeze hums in my ear. Heavy rainfall touches my shoulders and caresses my face; I am sitting on the windowpane of my room that overlooks the balcony. Ever so often I like to sit by myself and think. The rain gives me serenity and even though for a few minutes I am transported to a utopia. Sitting in the rain helps me escape all the chaos and inner turmoil that has been engulfing me lately. I have a decision to make. A decision that will determine the path I have to embark on.

My father’s word still echoes in my mind. He trusted me with this. This might probably be the biggest decision I was ever subjected to take in my nineteen years of life. The one that will forever stay with me. . He summoned me to his room earlier today and had said-“Asmita you have a decision to make.” For many this decision might be easy to make effortless even but for me it is tough. Fear of the unknown, the fact that I might mess things up scares me.

I reminisce all the things I have done with my family, my friends, my siblings here in this very place I call and take with my whole heart to be my home. It feels like yesterday that I was playing hide and seek with my brothers that I was screaming at them .My eye falls upon my window pane. The windowpane I call the pane of memories. As I look through the windowpane I see old markings. I look at the different colors I used to draw. Each portraying a story of their own. Red crayon, I used to draw ludicrous picture of my brother when he was mad at me. The way I used green to draw a sad personification of the grumpy old tuition teacher of ours to cheer my brothers up when our tutor got on our nerves. I look at the windowpane and I smile, I smile thinking about all the we were and all that we will someday be. Each and every corner of my house holds some sort of beloved memory of us. Us as a family us as siblings us as people slowly trying to morph from naïve childhood days to adulthood.

I recall fighting over something as small as who gets the remote control, I recall smashing my brother’s fingers in the door mistakenly when he tried to get inside the television room .I recall blood dripping down his fingers and the murderous look he gave me .I drown myself in memory lane so deep tears start to stream down my face. Its bittersweet .I have spent nineteen years of my life in this house I have grown with my brothers here I have learned from my parents here I have grown emotionally and physically here. I have never known life outside this house and outside the love of my parents. I have never known anything but to be a caring daughter to my parents and a pain to my brothers.

I look at my dog that is now wagging her tail and is trying to get my attention. I remember the circumstances under which she became a part of our home. I was heartbroken when my first dog Bruno passed away. I cried a river mourning his death .My brothers, my parents made sure I was okay. They were my rock at times when things were tough. As soon as I recovered from Bruno’s death they got me Lucky my new dog. Bruno will forever hold a special place in my heart but the void, which he left behind, was gracefully fulfilled by Lucky.

“Asmita your future is in your hands. Either you stay here in Nepal with us and pursue your higher education in the prestigious Kathmandu Management College that you qualified in or you go to a foreign country be independent and enroll in the college that you qualified in too. What will your decision be? Which college will you pick? Where do you want to go?”-my father had said.

Coming out of my memory lane I observe my surroundings and see that, in the blink of an eye, the night has been swept away into the dustbin of the past and a new day is upon me .The sun like a great golden disk rises across the sky to greet me. It shines in my hair and glitters in my heart. I see the overcast fog of my clouded mind fading away .The decision now doesn’t seem to be as daunting to take, as it was a few hours before. I steal one last look at my room, my windowpane, and my dog I inhale the sweet air of my country and decide its time. Time for me to get out of the bubble of protection my parents have always given I decide its time for me to break free and be liberated. I will carry my loved ones with me in my heart always but I decide its time for me to break the mold and embark on the journey of the unknown in a foreign country without anyone to look after me every step of the way.

 

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